It is a good sign that young Nigerians are increasingly crossing the ethnic and cultural lines as they travel the aisle to sow their marital oaths.  In the face of the growing spates of intolerance, such  events are likely to serve as foundation for a more vibrant and tolerant society.

Even in the US, Canada, England and other European countries, inter-cultural marriages continue to occur among Nigerians as the likelihood of finding one’s mate from the same ethnicity becomes slimmer. This is irrespective, sometimes, of cultural and religious differences that have often proven to be the conveyors of deep-rooted divisiveness and apathy. While many in the older generation would frown at this trend, as it would be considered incongruent with antiquated cultural expectations and nuances, it is an indication of the maturity and diversity of a society.

It’s a yardstick for the progression of a people, their degree of tolerance, their thought process and their levels of openness and acceptance. It breeds self-knowledge, perseverance and provides ample challenges to aid the growth process, self-assurance and amalgamation. It invariably shows that a society is willing to turn its diversity into strength and demonstrates the willingness of the younger generation to experiment and indeed, shatter the old and often unfashionable cultural barriers and myths instituted by society’s long-standing traditions.

In most cultures in today’s Nigeria, as unbelievable it may sound, many still frown at inter-cultural marriages. They are sometimes prohibited, regarded as a forbidden endeavor if a family is to retain its high societal standing. What is often at stake is cultural pride and the need to chase purity. There have been more resistance when women cross those cultural lines than when it is done by men for obvious reason. It is evident in Igboland, in Yorubaland, in Hausaland, in Ijawland and well across the country. Every ethnic group in Nigeria most certainly has its hang-ups about another. It is seemingly pervasive across the land, most parents would simply prefer that their children marry from the same ethnic groups from families they are already familiar with and can vouch for. But we should note that in these times, marrying from the same ethnic group does not in any way guarantee success of such a union.  Even within the Yoruba ethnic group, for example, Oduduwaness does not often mean cultural congruence and a recipe for a lasting union.

I was taken aback when a very eligible bachelor friend from Ekiti indicated that he would never consider marrying a particular lady from a certain part of Yoruba. When asked why, he stated they are often considered lazy, backward, an unmotivated bunch and he does not intend to bring disrepute to his family by venturing into that clan. Such disparaging attitude is certainly not peculiar to the Yoruba group, but widespread across the country. Even within the same state, there are some ethnic groups that one is always advised not to choose a bride or groom from because of baseless stereotypes and innuendos that often fail the test of time.

There is a certain group in a southern state that is so despised by people of that state that parents often commit suicide should their daughters or sons marry from that group. Such an event in those parts falls in the “unthinkable” column, a desecration of the family name that provides ample stigma of unimaginable proportions to last several generations. There was a well publicized case a few years ago that tested this erroneous postulation where a mother vowed that her daughter would only marry her fiancé from this despised group over her dead body. 

Here was an event that brought to light the saying, “be careful of what you wish for, it may come to pass.” On the day of the wedding, the mother went to the church, as she could not believe that her daughter would defy her in such a flagrant manner, not to mention the elders whom she had summoned in a fruitless attempt to change her mind. On the fateful day, as the pastor in the presence of the invited guests pronounced the couple man and wife, the shocked mother became the next focus of the guests as she collapsed in the back pew and died instantly in the church. It was a sad twist to an otherwise joyous event, but yet an instructive one that brought to the fore the contentious issue of self-infliction, parental complications vis-a-vis inter-cultural marriages and the attendant, often interwoven intricacies. The couple is still happily married and blessed with children.

Admittedly, the same cannot be said of all inter-cultural marriages as a healthy sum hardly survive the stress and pressures of in-laws (especially, the mother-in-laws) with different and sometimes strange cultural expectations. In such siutations, there is likely to be role confusion as expectations in this regard vary across cultural lines. Let us not forget the uncooperative husbands who expect their wives to behave in certain manner and the equally uncooperative wives who expect their husbands to treat them in certain ways. It sometimes can prove to be a tough union after the fanfare; the lust and the hype have all given way to the realities on the ground. 

For one couple in Northern Virginia, inter-cultural marriage proved stressful and unmanageable, as simple cultural expectations were not met leading to a plethora of arguments, fights, distrust and what have you. In this case, the gentleman was Yoruba and his wife from Edo. They were young, both in their early thirties and educated in the US. This point is imperative because after many years in the West, and interacting with all and sundry, it is expected (not always the case) that one would be open-minded and not be uncompromising in certain aspects of one’s culture, especially, those aspects that do not diminish the essence of the culture.

 From the outside, it seemed this couple had an impeccable deal. In public, they engaged selfishly in what the whites would call PDA (public display of affection). At social events, they were very conspicuous because of the alluring way they conducted themselves. Many admired them not only for their seeming "faultless" union, but also, for their classy and amicable demeanor well enhanced by their approachable posture. It was easy to conclude that they were made for each other without being accused of engaging frivolously in platitudes.

But the beginning of the end came for this couple when the parents of the gentleman came from Nigeria to visit. It was the first time the wife met her in-laws. Regrettably, the first meeting seemed to have proven fatal for the marriage as the mother-in-law immediately accused her daughter-in-law of being uncultured and indifferent to age. The bone of contention was a simple one --- that, the daughter-in-law refused to prostrate wholesomely before her. 

The mother-in-law could not believe such “insult”. It seemed that she expected a totally submissive wife in all aspect of the word. From all indications, she was not impressed with her new daughter-in-law. Having none of this in her son’s home, the aggrieved mother-in-law insisted that her daughter-in-law ought to have greeted her properly as done in her husband’s culture. She insisted that when her bride price was paid and the marriage rites completed, she was absorbed into her husband’s culture. But the defiant daughter-in-law stated that in her own culture, a simple bend of the knees was sufficient indication of respect and reverence. I suspect there was tinge of ego involved on the part of the daughter-in-law. Regardless, however, this singular event became the catalyst for an assortment of arguments between the couple as the gentleman insisted that his wife would greet and accord his parents the proper respect. 

In case you are wondering, the father-in-law (thank God for such father-in-laws) could care less for such trivialities; he was too preoccupied with CNN to bother. But the mother-in-law, a confessed traditionalist, was unflappable in this regard. For the duration of the parent’s six-month visit, there were arguments and accusations that made living unbearable. It came to a point where the mother-in-law refused to eat any food cooked by her daughter-in-law in protest of her perceived insolence. You could imagine the pressure on the gentleman to "whip" his wife into line. Unfortunately, as I write, the union has since hit the rocks and the couple has gone their separate ways, not sure if the dissolution was due in full or in part to issues emanating from cross-cultural expectations, etc. But it most certainly was the source of ample stress and anxiety in the home.

In the midst of love and lust, a salient issue often ignored in these types of marriages is the issue of how to raise the children. While African tradition mandates that the children are inherently from their father’s ethnic group, their mother’s ethnicity can never be ignored in the grand scheme of things. It would be the epitome of foolishness to do so. The truism of this claim lays in the fact that in most marital circumstances, the mother spends more time with the children. In a case where the father is Yoruba and the mother, Igbo, the question becomes, how do you raise the children?

The easy answer is; they are Yorubas, therefore, raise them in the Yoruba culture and traditions. But there is more and this cannot always stand if we respect and favor the idealism of diversity and the toxic influence only a mother usually possesses. The intricacies in these types of arrangements become amplified when the wife is quite oblivious of her husband’s culture and can only offer hers to the children. Many would agree that such children are advantaged as they have the best the society has to offer, but by the same token, if not carefully managed, it can be the source of a conflicted identity that can lead to an eternal and futile search for a true identity and meaning. The paramount question remains -  when the honeymoon is over, will the union stand the test of time. The answer lies with the individuals in such unions and their ability to navigate the uneasy waters of their nuptial entanglement. For some, it's an opportunity to learn and appreciate what the society and other cultures have to offer. For others, it can mean paying a scheduled visit to the judge in downtown.

Dr. Alalibo writes from  Virginia, USA and can be reached at alalibo@gmail.com