(31-07-2017)

When it comes to having the best from a marital relationship, having the best of sexual harmony, having the best of communication in marriage, one thing that has proved useful over and again is the word connect. Desiring the best in marriage on any level, sexually, emotionally and physically is for couples to stay connected. I actually came across this well written and hugely beneficial article and I felt that I should make it available to my readers.

Can you believe that a couple can achieve 100 per cent of sexual satisfaction if they so wish? Couples often ask us how they can keep the excitement in sex. My age long answer: Stay connected. Being connected body-to-body and heart-to-heart is what makes sex fulfilling and fun. Here are 13 ways you and your spouse can have more passion.

Do you remember the kind of kissing you did when you first fell in love? Do you still kiss that deeply and passionately? Rediscover passionate kissing. Take your time. Enjoy the touch and taste of each other’s lips. The burning sensation is terrific.

Delight in the closeness you feel after having sex. Stay in each other’s arms. Tell your spouse how good it felt and how much you love him or her. This is one of the most intimate as a couple.

Seven erogenous zones have become a hot cake. They are the nipples of both spouses, the breasts of your spouse, the earlobes of both spouses, the groin of both spouses, the penis and scrotum of the man, the vulva of the woman, the clitoris of the woman, the not-open-to-discussion ‘G spot’ of the woman. Even if no other places responded to your touches, these ones are ever-ready-to-stimulation-sure spots. A woman has more erogenous zones than just her breasts and vagina. Explore with her and discover where she is most responsive. Kiss, stroke, or caress each body part. Ask: ”How does this feel? Does it make you tingle? What would make you feel even ‘tinglier’ – if I caressed less or more?” Remember that although it is good to work toward climax, the journey is pretty unbelievable too, and highly rewarding.

“I don’t get it,” a husband told me at a restaurant. “I do everything I can think of in bed, but my wife doesn’t usually have an orgasm.”

“Does that bother your wife,” I asked.

“No. She seems content. I don’t get that either.”

That’s because many women are still satisfied with sex, even when they don’t have an orgasm.

This husband stared blankly at me. “Huh?”

Husbands, if you want to satisfy your wife, shift your definition of satisfaction. Of course, wives love to climax (who does not?), but they can enjoy the lovemaking experience even when they do not reach that place.

Many women enjoy the sensuality of cuddling, kissing, and touching every bit as much as they enjoy the thrill of a climax. Women’s sexual pleasure occurs on many levels other than simply orgasm.

Most men reach their sexual peak in their late teens or early twenties. Most women reach theirs a decade or more later. Often when a woman is in her thirties and forties, her sexual desire becomes stronger, sometimes insatiable. Moreover, as a man ages, his emotional side increases. Through each stage, couples grow and learn more about each other and become more patient and sensitive to each other’s needs. This is God’s blessing to us, because it allows a couple’s sex life greater longevity and duration.

So often, couples feel the pressure to have “perfect” sex – complete with earthquake, fireworks, and multiple orgasms. It is not every time you have sex that there will be a “bell ringer” and that is okay, because you are both connecting. Sometimes sex will be a quickie to meet the need of the moment. Sometimes it could be functional sex, or just sex. Sometimes, when you are not in the mood, you could have it simply because your spouse needs you at that moment. Sometimes it may be comfort sex; when life has brought devastation, the only comfort and security you find is in the arms of your spouse as a lover. You will be ahead when you understand that the different kinds of sex point to the ultimate reason for sex: the relationship. The goal is not whether you end with a climax. The goal is that you are connecting as a couple.

Do not rush. In a sex survey, we conducted recently, we asked women what they hated about sex. Rushed sex ranked number five. When you have a solid foundation, and have spent years growing together and discovered more of sexual tips, then you would want to have a lot of variety. Nevertheless, a woman who is repeatedly unsatisfied, who senses that her husband’s pleasure always comes before hers, can feel used and empty. She wants to experience the whole spectrum of sex – the physical, emotional, spiritual, and relational. This is not to say rushed or quickie sex is wrong. Still, sex should not be rushed all the time. That would be like eating nothing but fast food. Going through the local fast food drive – for a chilidog and onion rings every occasionally is not a problem, but your health would suffer if you did it at every meal. Make your goal pleasurable sex that satisfies both of you.

If you think you are going to have a quickie and your spouse is expecting a long, passionate encounter, both of you will probably end up frustrated. Clarify your expectations. Women need to prepare mentally for sex. If a wife knows she is headed for quickie sex, she can mentally prepare for that, including the realisation that she may not climax. Most of the time the woman will still enjoy sex, even if she does not have the same outcome as her husband.

We often joke about his-and-hers triggers. Usually we say that men have one sexual trigger: everything. Women are a bit more complex. Though, seriously, because men are more visually stimulated, a man can become aroused by seeing his wife naked, undressing, or wearing something provocative. Typically, women are not that way. Therefore, a husband needs to discover what his wife’s sexual triggers are.

A wife may be a “touch me” girl: she likes hugs and caresses. She may be a “tell me” girl: she likes affirmation and verbal foreplay. She may be “listen to me and share with me” girl: she opens up after connecting with her husband through conversation. She may be a “doing” girl: she appreciates it when he picks up messes and helps with housework. She may be a “spiritual food” girl: she becomes open to sex after connecting with him through prayer, reading scripture, and discussing spiritual matters.

There is a part of each of us that likes it when our mate is happy with our performance, insight, or advice. We long to hear, “You did a good job,” or “You’ve worked so hard this week; I want to take you out for dinner so you don’t have to cook.” Sincere verbal appreciation motivates us. Overwhelm your spouse with appreciation, and watch sexual desire increase.

Multitudes of sex therapists and marriage counsellors name fatigue as the number one enemy of sexual intimacy. When couples are worn out, sex is one of the first things to go. If sex enters our minds – even fleetingly – we think, “I’d really like to have sex, but when do I have the time and the energy?”

We can push sex to the side and claim it is “just for a season.” Yet, pretty soon, that season turns into a pattern. That is when it becomes ingrained in the heart and we become blind to what we are doing. Of all sexual issues, exhaustion is the one over which we have the most control. How you may ask? By reprioritising, working less, saying no to outside activities that do not further the marriage, or asking for help. Carve out time each week just to relax and have fun with each other.

Grab your calendars, sit down with your spouse, and talk through your schedules. Ask each other the questions: What is an absolute priority? What feels like an absolute priority but really isn’t ? What can we get rid of, at least for now? What is the best day to set aside as a time for just the two of us to have sex, to have fun, and enjoy each other? Get yourselves back to remembering, oh yeah! This is really fun!

Give yourself permission to enjoy sex. Be open to pleasing your lover. Take on a “Why not?” attitude.

Sex stirs the craving for more sex. Lovemaking elevates the brain chemicals associated with desire. Therefore, as we decide to have sex and find we enjoy our time of lovemaking, our libidos increase, often leading to an increased yearning to have sex more often. What could be more fun and exciting than that? So, my beautiful couples please stay connected.